Blindsided

'There is no grief

which time does not

lessen or soften'

Cicero

It's just amazing to me. It REALLY doesn't ever get any easier. What I'm realizing now is that it's sometimes almost harder because as time goes by, things like this happen and you aren't expecting it so you feel blindsided. It happened to my love a couple of weeks ago, and now it's my turn. Maybe he's trying to make sure we don't forget about him. We haven't. We won't. But just in case.....

I'm with my husband at the specialist yesterday, and I'm filling out his paperwork (because hello. that's what I do... or the poor doctors, nurses, etc would never understand what was written).

I'm plugging along and then I see it.

Patients Parents:

Father

Alive?

Deceased?

If Deceased, how?

And, the tears start. Quiet, calm tears.... but tears.

He's gone and we miss him. It's not going to change. I can't bring him back. As my father in law would say, 'it is what it is'.

And it is..... what it is.

I still didn't want to write 'deceased' and 'cancer' next to his name. In no way, shape or sound. I just wanted to skip it, and make it not true.

Unfortunately, it is.... what it is.

I wiped my tears (not before letting one drop right onto the page of course), took a deep breath, looked deep into my husband's eyes (that let me visit my father in law because those eyes are just like his), and began to write.

The Duke

Today it has been 1 year since my father in law passed away. A whole year already.

I can't believe it.

I still hear his voice and that crazy laugh, see his toothless little evil smile, and picture that goofy "uga cha cha" dance he used to do through the living room when he was having a moment.

This man. This amazing man.

When I moved to Ohio from California, away from all family at the age of 20, this family welcomed me in. I spent Christmas' and vacations with them, even though I wasn't their daughter. I came over and did laundry, and played cards with them, even after my now husband moved to Chicago.

Duke was my surrogate Dad.

He was hard; his life had been tough but he never discussed it or complained. When I met him, he didn't give hugs or say he loved you but that all changed with me. I'm a person who hugs and says I love you eighteen times in one conversation.... and he had to get used to it. But once he did, it was wonderful. And other family members would always comment, "he doesn't hug us", "he doesn't kiss us", "he doesn't say he loves us" and I would just explain that he wasn't raised that way and that we needed to be proactive about it with him. He gave great hugs and kisses and the very last thing he ever said to me was "I love you too Dear" and that means the world to me.

What I appreciated about him was that he always called it like he saw it; you always knew exactly where he stood and he gave great advice. He had great one liners; most of which I cannot repeat!

This man, this amazing man is still with us in every breath, every step, every laugh, every tear.

He is in all of our moments because he is my husband, and my son.

He is always with us because he is us.