Peer Inspiration

So, I gave a speech at my weight loss center last night. It's the 2nd time they have asked me and although I was nervous about speaking in public, I felt proud. Proud of my accomplishments, proud of the center, and proud of my family. Below is the speech along with my before and after pictures. Be warned... it's very long!

Peer Inspiration

23 April 2009
Metabolic Research Center, CO

Hi! My name is Denise and I walked through the doors of Metabolic Research Center (MRC) on October 27, 2007 weighing 355lbs. Today I weigh 170lbs and have lost 185lbs. I am completing my final week of stabilization and am heading into maintenance. Thank you all for being here today, and celebrating this journey with me! I have my life back and I look forward to seeing you all achieve your goals as well.

The thoughts and experiences I’m about to share with you today are very close to my heart. Although I have shared them publicly before, they are still very raw. They aren’t my exercise routine, or my food choices, or how much water I drink. These are the issues at my core. They are the issues that I have had with food my entire life and the reasons that I am standing before you here today. I don’t have all of the answers but I hope to be able to give you some insight on what has helped me along the way.

I had a normal childhood. I was born and raised in California so I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was on the swim team. I played soccer. I spent a lot of time at the beach and we did a lot of outdoor activities…. My parents fed us healthy foods. We had fresh homemade whole grain breads, fresh veggies from our garden, natural peanut butter, all of it….

So, one of the questions I have often asked myself through all of this is how did I get to be obese? I realize now, that there have been several contributors and I’ve been lucky enough to work through many of them. Today, I’ll share just a few… I had horrible self esteem; I had negative self talk. I was extremely shy and I was often scared. When I say scared, I can’t say I was necessarily scared of my parents (I believe we all have moments of being scared of our parents)… but I was scared of a lot of things. I was scared of fitting in, of not fitting in, scared of talking, and when I did venture out of my comfort zone to talk, I was scared of saying the wrong thing. I was terrified of dying….. Basically, I was scared of everything. Oh….and, I stuck out… I was tall. I was the tallest girl in school. So, I took being the tallest as being the biggest which was very scary to me. I was the “biggest”. I just remember feeling really, really BIG. This kind of negative self talk just snowballed through my childhood; into adolescence, and accompanied me into adulthood. And in time, I became what I put out…. I became a person with low self worth, a drug addict, a controlled partner in an abusive relationship and finally…. I became Obese. Obese then became Morbidly Obese.

When my son was born in 2000, I decided it was time for a change. I started a program and did well. I lost quite a bit of weight on the program but I never changed my perception of food. I didn’t attempt to understand my issues around food. My week was spent contemplating what I was going to eat for my “cheat meal” after weigh in. As important as I believed this weight loss was too me, food took priority over it all. I gained it all back within a year (plus some). I’m sure several of you can relate to this. I wanted to be smaller, and “less” obese but not as much as I wanted to eat. My priorities weren’t clear at that point. I hadn’t hit my “rock bottom”.

I tried other “diets” along the way, but none with any true success. Then… something amazing happened. I gave up. I threw in the towel. And in doing so, it started me on the journey into discovering the most amazing person I've ever met.... that person, was me. This journey wasn’t for the weak at heart. It was a dark, cold, lonely, and sad place for a very long time…. but on the other side was my life. The life I was destined to lead. The life we all can have if we decide it’s worth the effort.

When I gave up, I saw someone I have never met. I have never been the type of person who shuts down and makes a conscious decision to give up; to quit. However, this time…. I was done; completely over it. I needed to accept my role in the world and embrace it. I was now morbidly obese and that's just the way it was. This was me; all of me. “Love it and leave it”! I would eat what I want, hide out in my room, and publicly put a smile on my face. It would be the new me. I would not continue to compete with food; it could win…. I was too weak. I was just a victim to food. This would be my new outlook.

Unfortunately, the person who couldn't accept this new outlook was me. How was I going to look in the mirror everyday, and see the real me trapped inside and not do everything humanly possible to save her. But for an entire year, that's exactly what I did. And, as I got bigger… my world got smaller. My knees hurt, my migraines became unbearable, my blood pressure was higher than ever. I couldn’t walk more than a block without being completely winded and asthmatic. But even worse than the physical pain, there was the emotional pain. My heart ached. I would lie on my couch or in my bed for hours at a time. I cried constantly. I made excuses when friends would want to meet up (because honestly, who would want me around?) and I refused to be out in public anymore than necessary. I repeatedly asked my husband how he could be with someone that looked like me; I gave him permission to leave me to find someone else, someone that wasn’t so miserable. At times I begged him to go and take my son away to a more “normal life” (by the way I am married to the kindest, most supportive man in the entire world. He would just hug me, and comfort me, wipe my tears and tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere). Finally, I secretly wept and apologized to my son for not being the Mom he deserved to have. The kind of Mom that rode bikes with him, went to the park, took long walks, and played outside with him; the Mom that was ALL HIS. I felt weak, depressed, anxious, lonely, and powerless. This was not the person I used to know. I didn't recognize her and she was not me.

Then, one day it happened. I can’t truly explain to you what did it; it could have been the sadness or the depression. It could have been the support of my family. I think it was everything combined; you know, the whole “being tired or being tired.” It was something big. Something very strong…. And powerful; it was the real me; deep down in my core…. Forcing its way out; fighting. I was finally stepping up and saying “enough is enough”. I was taking my life back. This was not the life I was meant to lead. This was not my destiny. I was not living my authentic life, or being my authentic self. I had allowed those feelings to have power over me for quite some time, but no longer. I felt empowered to take my life back. Above all else, I wanted to reclaim the person inside the body. In that moment, I held her close, and made sure she knew that she was loved. She would always be cared for, and that I would never abuse or neglect her again. I also agreed to forgive myself. I was moving forward; without baggage, or anger. And I would not hold any resentment over the past; only forgiveness and understanding. I would allow myself to learn; to love, to embrace every moment leading up to today and going forward. I would not go through life, not living, anymore. And I had not been living at all. I had merely been existing. And in doing so, I had been doing a disservice to myself and to my family and friends by not being the person I knew I was… inside. That day my world opened up and I began my journey. There was a quote that means so much to me.... it says "I took a vow of non violence and that includes my body". First and foremost, I refuse to do any harm to myself. I am not at war with my body; we are together in this and it can work wonderfully when I treat it with respect.

That same day, I started a list of things I wanted back. Things that I could not have from being the weight I was. My first entry…..

My wedding ring.

This wedding ring is actually the ring my Dad gave my Mom when they got married. This ring is very special. To me, it holds a lot of symbolism. My parents were young; their love was innocent and new. My father was going off to Vietnam, and my Mom was entering womanhood. It was the beginning of everything. It was the beginning of their journey which resulted in the start my journey and my Sister’s journey and in turn, the beginning of our children’s journey. My parents are no longer together, but their path has linked us forever and that ring still holds all of that symbolism for me. So when I was married, it became my wedding band. My husband added a band in the middle to complete our circle; to begin our journey together. This ring, that obviously meant so much to me, didn’t fit. It hadn’t fit in years. This first entry began my list and it was and is still pertinent to my journey. I truly hope that you all have an opportunity to sit down and write your own list. I can’t tell you how much I’ve used this list. It keeps me focused and helps me to keep my priorities straight. When values are clear, decisions are made easy.

I had been looking at a couple of different programs, and had heard great things about a center nearby. Metabolic research center sounded appealing based on the information I had discovered and through feedback I had found from clients posted online. I had also located this great “external” forum for people that attended various MRC center’s that seemed to be a good fit for me. I was ready to go in and see what kind of connection we had. I knew that I would need a connection with the people I would be working with. I really felt strongly that this would be the place for me. I just knew that this center was going to assist me in my journey. When I called, they had an appointment available that evening and by the end of my consultation, I was ready. I weighed in at the center at 355lbs (I didn’t even know my current weight because my scale at home wouldn’t go that high). This was my all time highest weight. There was no question; this was my place. This was the missing link. For me, it was exactly what I needed; one on one consulting, classes, food instruction, weigh-ins, exercise, and so much more. I am an amazing student; just ask any of the consultants ;) I am able to have someone tell me what to eat, how much to eat and I will follow that instruction..... My issue has always been the heart issues and the head issues. I needed to understand why I do what I do and what I can do to change my perception about food. One of the main reasons I chose this program was because of the classes. PLEASE!!! If you haven’t attended the classes, do so. You’ll be so glad you did. It’s hard work but so totally worth it. Sometimes it’s just about sitting quietly and listening, allowing the information to absorb and then processing it later. Other times, you might want to be more interactive. It’s up to you. There’s no pressure. Please, the classes are for you. They are for your success. Use them. I love the classes if you can’t tell. I love this center. I love these people. These “people” are “my” people. They have shared in my highs and lows, in my joys and my sorrows, they are patient and understanding… and they are just as committed to my success as I am. When I walk through those doors, I feel like I’m with family. I know I’m with family.

I began MRC on October 27th. Before Halloween and more importantly, before Halloween candy! For me, this was a great time to start; what’s the point in delaying something that is so very important especially when you have taken a vow to no longer harm yourself! And come on, there can always be a reason to hold off…. But let’s remember, when values are clear, decisions are easy. By the way I should add, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday.... and it went off without a hitch. I was on plan, and moving forward gracefully. Several holidays, and events followed..... For me, the most powerful and emotional issue that occurred was that my Father in Law (and I don’t even like to call him my Father in Law… he was my Dad. I am lucky enough to have had two Dads) was diagnosed and then passed away from Lung Cancer. He suffered immensely, and we miss him more than I can put into words here today. When he died, we didn’t know how we would continue on without him. Fortunately, we had no regrets. We spent some amazing times together, laughing; lots of laughing. We still hear him and his advice all the time. He was always the best person at kicking us in our butts and getting us back on track. There was no time for pity parties. This man knew of great loss, and sadness, and could have been quite bitter. But he wasn’t. He was strong. He was a fighter. He found out he had cancer one year to the date after he had been given a kidney transplant that he waited 7 years on dialysis for. When we asked him how he felt about his latest hurdle? His response was quick found. It was a classic. “It is what it is” Now remember, this is from my Dad of few (but powerful) words…. Ask my husband and he’ll tell you; I am the complete opposite. I have to dissect everything. So, “it is what it is….” As bad as things are or can be, you move forward. You don’t waste time on things you can’t change. You do what needs to be done, and you fight. It is what it is. You can’t change it. Life happens, death happens, we have to continue. And in relation to our situation here; there can always be an excuse or a reason to take a side road (to misstep); to eat off plan, to feel like giving up…. But what’s the point? Life is constantly happening, no matter how much we try to stop it. It is what it is. So we move forward, and move on. I could have used any or all of those life events as a reason to misstep, but I had a choice and my choice was clear. "I took a vow of non violence, and that includes my body". I also had my list.... and let’s never forget the "list". I had now named it my "freedom list" and it was growing by the day. Growing my the minute! Sometimes even by the second. It was full of all of the wonderful things I would get back (my freedoms) as I lost weight. So, when someone would say "Would you like a piece of cake"?

I would think of my list..... Here's how it went....

“Hey Denise, we’re having cake over here…. Come grab a piece”

Cake?
or
Riding a bike with my son?

That decision was so easy to make..... It was almost ridiculous to even think about.

Cake or my son? Seriously, that was a no-brainer.

Sometimes there wasn’t any physical temptation in front of me…. Sometimes it was just me and my thoughts….. wondering if I could continue? Could I handle it? So, then out came the list. And, then I would realize that I absolutely could do it. I was strong and powerful. There was no question.

Now I don’t want you to think I am just the almighty woman; hear me roar… I also have a great team behind me. I have the most amazing support system. My husband and son are just beautiful. They have always been my foundation. I can have a bad day or feel weak, and they hold me up. They tell me how strong I am and motivate me in the most wonderful ways. I hope to return that gift to them. Someday, I know I will.

This is my husband. He is amazing. He’s my best friend. He is my heart and soul and the one person that knows me better than anyone else. I have been blessed to have this man with me on my journey. I’d like to spend a little more time telling you about my husband…. and his heart. It’s his most attractive quality. Within that lovely heart of his;
He is kind and gentle, sincere and caring, non judgmental and sweet; SO, SO sweet. He wakes up at 1am to take the dogs and my son to the bathroom. He goes out on snow mornings and cleans off my car (and warms it up) so I can drive in comfort. He cooks my meat for me, just because it grosses me out and that way I don't have to deal with it. He's the best snuggler ever and he rubs my back when I can't sleep. He listens to me ramble with a kind face and gives a gentle laugh when I catch myself. He has driven over 60 miles to pick me up from work because I didn't feel well; this man and his heart. He buys me flowers for no special occasion... just because. He laughs at my jokes, even when I can't get them right (and most of the time can't remember them). He completes my sentences and knows exactly what I'm thinking. He adores me and is my very best friend. He is the closest I've met to perfect, and I can't breathe quite right when I think that we are together in this experience of life; this man and his big, full, wonderful heart. He has a way of talking to me that just calms me. He helps me rationalize things (and for me, that can sometimes be a struggle). After our Dad passed away, we were coming home from Ohio and I was tired, emotionally and physically; and when I get tired I lose a lot of my fight. While we were there, I had made it through every kind of temptation possible. I had been strong, and made it through all 9 days. We were home free, driving back to Colorado but I couldn’t do it anymore. Each time we stopped on the way home, I would want something… one time it was French Fries, then Mozzarella Sticks…. It went on and on. I wanted to feed my sadness. Each time, my loving husband would say the most supportive thing. He would say… “When we get home, if you REALLY want “it”, you can have it”. And so, when we got home, something magical happened. I didn’t want any of that “stuff” anymore. I was back in my own routine and I was just fine. He is my best friend, and as I said before the person who knows me better than anyone; often times, better than I know myself. I came away from that experience realizing that if you truly want something (food, clothes, etc) badly enough, you are willing to wait for it.

This is my Son. If you’ve been in on Saturday or come to the cooking classes, you’ve probably seen him. My son is the love of my life….. I can’t even begin to tell you all of the things he does that make me smile. He drives me crazy sometimes too, but that’s just par for the course. I never knew just how much I could love someone until I held him in my arms. Our bond is unbreakable; it’s a forever connection. He is kind and gentle, like his Dad; determined and strong willed like me, and just amazing. He is sincere and supportive, generous and compassionate, captivating and hysterical, adorable and delightful, talented and confident, thoughtful and sweet. Most of all he is lovable and loved. I am so proud to be this little mans mom and I can’t wait to see what an amazing man he becomes. He is already so much more than I could have ever asked for. When I would get home from the center, he would always ask how much weight I lost and give me high fives and sometimes he would even add a special success dance in there for me. That’s just part of it though…. He is Eight now and although he understands pounds lost, that was always irrelevant to him(except of course, when I lost 60 lbs then 120 lbs, then 180lbs because then I could say I had lost 1 of him, then 2, now 3). But really, what matters to him the most are hugs….. big bear hugs. And before we started this whole process, my son would of course hug me but his hands didn’t touch…. So, he started measuring my loss by how close his fingers were when he hugged me. After each hug he would say “Momma, you are losing a lot”! Now, his hands overlap and it’s very exciting. I love getting those measurements.

I've gone through every emotion there is. There is a finding the connections class surrounding grief and it really held true for me. This experience has been loaded with self discovery, and where I normally would take these emotions and feed them… I consciously decided that this time, when each emotion came up, I would really take a look at it. I would take the steps (the really powerful steps) needed to overcome my issues with food. These emotions changed at different levels of weight loss. Sometimes the emotions would pop up and seem to overwhelm me.... Other times, they just would flow in and out like the tide. In the beginning, I was really inquisitive. I needed to know so desperately why? What shaped my behaviors as a child? What created my control issues with food? When did my self image change? Was I born with a negative self image or was it learned? Was it influenced by my parents? Or was it society? Could it have been influenced by my peers? Maybe it had all been in my head? I’m sure my parents loved the random phone calls with the even more “random” questions (or so they thought) that would come up. But, even they were ready to share and it was good. Later I became very angry with myself. I didn’t understand how I could let myself get to this point. How could anyone have gotten so out of control? Why didn’t I stop myself at 200lbs? or at 250lbs? Why not 300lbs? or 350lbs? Why had I just kept going when I knew it was such an issue? The anger (or guilt) didn’t last long because I realized it didn’t serve any purpose. It is what it is. It was time to move forward and jump out of the circle of blame. It didn’t matter. I remember when I came to the hope and acceptance phase. It was so much calmer; so much easier. I just felt like I had arrived. There are so many classes that just worked so well for me; I was relieved and thankful to have them here at all of these different moments because it really helped me to understand my feelings, and put a name to it all. It also helped when it came to understanding my old, self destructive behavior. I was able to really evaluate these feelings in a safe, friendly environment. And when I felt like I needed to talk about things, the consultants were there. They were a neutral party, and could provide a sounding board when I needed it. I could and still can talk to them about anything. I’m still discovering things about myself and what got me here. It’s such an amazing process. One of my latest discoveries has played a large part in my success. I’m still very excited about it! I had seen a special on addiction and they were talking about the pyramid of addiction. The explanation was that if you don’t deal with your initial addiction (and in turn what drove you to that addiction originally) then you will ascend the pyramid. You’ll just swap one addiction for another. So, I had this realization and of course then, had to talk about it in Behavior Mod because hello; that’s what I do! Anyway, when I was 20, I left home and moved away because I was a drug addict. I had (and still have) this wonderful best friend who had come home with her Air Force husband to visit and invited me to move to Ohio with them. I was in an abusive relationship, likely heading for jail or the morgue, and heavily addicted so, I went. It worked or so I thought. I quit cold turkey. I decided to stay in Ohio, and start my new life. I smoke and drank a lot. I went out nightly. I met my husband and eventually, I ate a lot. Guess what? I traded one addiction for another. The difference with me was that I started in the middle of the pyramid and yet, managed to touch on all three corners. In my eyes, all addiction is equal. It’s all self destructive and non productive. So, here I am. I’m an addict. I’m dealing with issues from a lifetime ago in order to not trade one addiction for another.

I will always be an addict and that will never change. But what I realized is how much I’ve learned from all of these things…and when you’re perfect, you don’t learn a thing. It’s ok to slip, or make a wrong turn. It’s what you do with it that matters. Did you learn from it? I’d like to share an analogy with you. Picture yourself driving down the freeway heading home to the ones you love. You can’t wait to get there. You miss the exit. What do you do? Do you continue to drive on, screaming and yelling at yourself, never to arrive at your destination…? Never again to see the ones you love? Or, do you acknowledge the error, get off on the next exit and make the correction? I choose to make the U turn. If I never made mistakes, I would not be the person standing before you. From the negative self talk of my childhood, to the addiction, to meeting the most amazing man ever, to having my son…. Not one of these things could have happened without the other. And you know what? I don’t have my mind figured out quite yet. I am a work in progress and always will be. But isn't that the most amazing part of being a human being? We are always learning, and growing.

As of today, I have lost 185lbs and look forward to living. I have lost over ½ of the weight I started at. My freedom list is still growing day by day. I had my wedding re-sized from a 9 ½ to a 6 a few months ago so that I could wear it without it falling off. Through this journey, I have met many beautiful new friends. I have grown in ways I could never have imagined. And I have had the pleasure of meeting the most incredible person. She is loving, kind, and caring. She is strong, determined, and intelligent.... She is amazing and I am that woman.

Freedom #6, Roller Skating

Freedom #6, Roller Skating!

This post was originally on another blog (www.3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/namaste) and was published in Nov of 2008; I never moved it over here when I moved my blog so I apologize for the oversight. But.... what a great freedom!

When I was little, I started out my love for roller skating with those metal wheeled skates that went over your tennies. I can still hear the sound of the metal on the asphalt. Thinking back, it would have been faster to have just walked to wherever I was heading then to have skated but I'm sure my parents rationale was that there was no fear of crashing or breaking of bones.... since you could barely move with those clank clank clank, skates.

Finally, it progressed to the "rad" sneaker skates; so cool! The envy of the rink; anyone with those awesome skates will inform you. There was nothing better than hanging your "own" skates by the laces over your shoulder, heading into "your" rink.... ah.... oh.... the rink. "Our rink" was called "ups and downs" and apparently it still exists (in Escondido, CA for those that are interested). My friends, sister and I would get dropped off by our parents..... just to skate for hours on end (likely in jordache jeans with an extra huge "goody" comb in our back pocket)! The music, the lights, the fun.... it was a dream; we didn't have a care in the world! Nothing outside of that rink existed; just us and our fun. We'd do the Hokey Pokey and the Electric Slide. We'd go out during "ladies only" and "all skate" and wonder if anyone would ask us to skate during "couples only".

We skated everywhere inside and outside of the rink.... but that was the time; the late 70's and early 80's. For those of you that were around during those times, I'd love for you to comment on your memories.... the music, the scene, the friends..... it was all so fun!

I couldn't remember the last time I put on a pair of skates. I remember the feeling; the joy and the love of skating.... I just physically couldn't remember when the last time I was on the rink; probably High School. It hadn't been something I really could say I missed until the invitation came.

A skate party. Then, it all rushed back to me.

Last year, my son was invited to a skating party and as I watched him skate around the rink I couldn't help but yearn for that feeling. But the anxiety of getting out there at 354lbs and falling won out over the idea of recapturing that moment.

This year however, being 150lbs lighter.... I was feeling it! I got my skates and my son and out we went. Oh my gosh. Let me just say, yes... I did it. I went out and skated. I went around the rink. I was so scared! I don't ever remember my current feeling; the one in which I didn't have any control of my feet... that memory must have escaped me! It was fun, don't get me wrong.... but at 5'11" the floor looked much further down and much harder then I remember. My son kept asking if I was "good"; could he move on? Ummm.... no! He was not allowed to leave me out there alone with all of those maniac kids trying to cause a collision with me! No way! He even offered to turn around with me so I could go back where I started.... rude! I wasn't doing THAT bad! I was finishing this; I'm no quitter!

When we got back to where we had entered the rink, I was starting to feel a little more comfortable... THEN... on came a voice through the loudspeaker announcing a "skate-race" game.... my newly acquired escape was in motion; you didn't need to tell me twice..... I was SO outta there! I thanked him for sticking with me, gave him a big kiss and told him to enjoy the game.

And off my darling little boy skated, wind in his hair, music in his ears, not a care in the world....
And I was so happy for us both.

What are your memories of roller skating?

Freedom # 5, Bathroom Stalls

A little background for all those who haven't read the previous freedoms. In October of 2007, I decided enough was enough and changed my life. I weighed 354lbs and was done. I would not continue to let weight and food rule my life. That day I started a list of things I wanted back, a freedom list. This list would keep my priorities straight while I was on my weight loss journey. I have a notebook full and have been adding them to my blog in efforts to share with others this journey as well (read the previous ones here). As of today, I have lost 165lbs and have 5lbs left to reach my goal. I encourage everyone, regardless of your struggle to start your own "freedom list". If you'd like to read more about my journey, here is a speech I gave at my weight loss center.

Freedom # 5, Bathroom Stalls


Ok, have you ever squeezed into the bathroom stall? At 354lbs, I squeezed into a many! This is how I recall the situation.....

1. Hold your bladder until the very last second
2. Make it to the bathroom with seconds to spare
3. Attempt to adjust body (likely by hiding yourself sideways next to the toilet) enough to grab the swinging stall door, and close it.... safely securing yourself inside
4. Stradle the toilet and squeeze on down in order to get your whole body on the actual toilet seat
5. Pray that the paper roll is high enough up so that it doesn't obstruct the small amount of room you do have, cutting into your leg and causing you even more pain
6. Adjust several times in order to wipe completely
7. Reverse order, to escape your self-imprisonation in small stall hell
8. Catch breath

Now, at work I often used to run into the Handicap stall at work to get more space. The issue was that there was/is a person at my office who actually really needs to use that bathroom. She has no other choice. So I thought I had figured out her break/lunch schedule somewhat and would run in when I thought it was less likely to run into her. Once though, I wasn't so lucky. I was in there, and I heard the automatic door open and she came in. I heard the "great, now I have to wait while some completely able person uses my 1 bathroom" sigh. I felt like I was in the "wanna get away" commercials. I came out, and as soon as she saw me (at my 300 plus weight) she smiled and I apologized profusely... making a joke about my size. I think I said sometimes I just need a little extra space. I was mortified. I never used that bathroom again.

Now fortunately (at 165lbs lighter), I don't need to use handicap stalls and can fit in any bathroom stall with ease. However, I believe this is an issue/freedom that many overweight people can relate to. If you can't physically "fit" into a standard stall, should that allow you to have the right to use the handicap stall without guilt? No, you're not "technically" disabled (yet) but being overweight carries with it so many "disabilities" and yet, the difference is.... an overweight person can (I'm not saying there isn't hard work involved) lose weight; these people with disabilities cannot change their situation. It's a struggle for several and such an embarrassing one.

This was one of my top 10 freedoms because it was so constant. Everytime I walked into a public bathroom, there was the anxiety there.

How ridiculous it all seems now but it was very real.

I no longer have to experience small stall hell, and if you have to have this experience.... I feel for you. Please know, you are not alone! But life isn't shouldn't be filled with anxiety about bathroom stalls!

Make a freedom list, and change your life.

Freedom # 4, Amusement Parks

Amusement Parks I love roller coasters! The older the better; give me a rickety wooden roller coaster over the new shiny ones any day. There’s something about the nostalgia of them that makes me smile. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually squeezed into one of those seats. Just the idea of standing in line waiting to possibly not fit, just gave me the chills. I couldn’t put myself through that, I had decided…. so I didn’t go. Just too humiliating. So, now at 120lbs lighter…. the opportunity presented itself. A trip with our friends and kids to Elitch Gardens for the day. I was thrilled, I couldn’t wait! My friend and I headed straight for that beauty; the only wooden coaster in the park. I saw the seats, and they were small…. I questioned my decision, but moved forward. I closed my eyes, and sat down. Perfect fit! No problem at all…. How exciting! My friend, Melanie knew this was on my “freedom list” so was (I believe) as excited as I, and off we went…. laughing hysterically the whole time; it was the kind of laugh that makes your face hurt. It was amazing, magical, and thrilling. We had a blast. I was and am no longer held back by fear or weight. I am living.

Freedom # 3, Airplane Seats

Airplane Seats

I love to travel. We live in between our families; we are in Colorado. My family is in California and my husband’s family is in Ohio. Travel is the only way to see them. I don’t like wasting time driving when I can be spending time with my family and friends, so I prefer flying. I’ve been flying since I was an infant. I’m not scared of airplanes. I’m scared of airplane SEATS! So, it starts immediately. Strategically sitting my son in between us, so that their is plenty of room (poor kid), or sitting him in between me and the stranger as to give the stranger enough room; getting an aisle seat or window seat so I can push out and not into the other persons space; going onto seatguru.com to determine which seats on the airplane are the biggest…. it’s a mess. It’s just ridiculous. Then, getting on the plane! The whole time, getting the looks. The “please don’t let her be sitting next to me” looks. I feel bad too, believe me! I don’t want to spill into their seats! I don’t want to make their travel uncomfortable. So, then we sit. And of course, the seatbelt doesn’t fit. My husband is so sweet…. he will quietly ask the attendant for a seatbelt extender for me and they are usually pretty kind about it. But again, sometimes you can just see the annoyance in their eyes. I’ve had them pass the extender to me over the seats after they have down the “emergency procedures” before… that’s always lovely. No embarrassment there, when the whole cabin is watching. And heaven forbid I had to use the bathroom…. squeezing in there is difficult enough at a normal weight, let alone being morbidly obese…. So, my question as I’m in there trying to maneuver around is this…. How exactly does one join the “mile high club” when you can barely do what it is actually made for??? Huh? Ha-ha! Anyway, we went to Virginia in July. I happily plopped down in my seat, put the armrests down with ease, and buckled my seatbelt…. free of extenders…. not spilling into my son’s seat (or anyone else for that matter) and enjoyed my flight. And no, joining the mile high club is not on my list of freedoms!

Freedom # 2, Riding a Bike with my Son

Riding a bike with my son When I left California and moved to Ohio at 20 years old, my friends loaned me one of their 10 speeds. I rode it to work daily, and it was a life saver. I rode bikes on and off for a few years, but eventually I just became too large. I think I even can recall riding a bike before I got pregnant (at 29) but after that…. no. So, this butt has definitely NOT been on a bike in 8 years. I wanted to ride a bike with my son. I wanted to be next to him, enjoying the day, riding in the sun. There was a bike I required also….. a beach cruiser. Big, comfy seat…. old school. Like I grew up riding in California. This was the bike I had to have. So, back in May we found one at a garage sale. Big and comfy, my style…. nothing new about it! My son and I are riding in style, enjoying our days and laughing. What a great freedom. My son, and my new bike. Picture of the Beach Cruiser

Freedom # 1, The Wedding Ring

THE WEDDING RING

When I was Seven, my sister and I interrupted my Mom while she was trying to use the bathroom. We were arguing (which we were great at by the way), and this argument could not wait (most of them couldn’t). The door burst open, and we insisted on knowing….. WHO GET’S WHICH WEDDING RING WHEN YOU DIE?!?! Ok, I promise. I’m not rude. Where this came from, I have no idea. My sister is not rude. We didn’t want her to die…. But, it does sound horrible…. I know. I’ve apologized for the way it came out several times. I don’t think it was meant to come out the way it did, but I can’t edit the story…. it’s the truth. Back to the ring(s)…… She had two; one that my Dad gave my Mom when they got engaged (when love was innocent; my Dad was going into the Navy, my Mom thought this was what love was all about, and they had their whole life ahead of them). The other was the one that my parents got in Hawaii and it had her name written in Hawaiian on it. Moving on…. so my poor Mom, sitting on the toilet and being attacked by her two little girls arguing about which wedding ring they are going to get then asks us….. “Ok? Well, which one do you want Denise”? And I say….. “I want the silver one” (I didn’t know white gold from silver) and she then asks my sister which ring she wants. Can you guess? She wants the gold ring. Wow. And we were arguing; are you getting this? So, she says…. “Alright. Then it’s settled. Denise get’s the silver, and Shelly, you get the gold. Resolved? Now can I finish”? So, as you all must be thinking now if I have the ring…. she must be gone. Thankfully no. The life with Dad is dead, but she is completely and totally alive and with us….. When I got engaged to my husband, my Mom gave me the ring. That ring means the world to me. As I said earlier, it symbolized what life was like in the beginning. And it’s my connection to my Mom (and to my Dad) even if they aren’t together. But, I got too big to wear that ring. And I lost that freedom when I became obese. I lost that connection. When I started my list of things I wanted back; my freedoms…. it was the first thing on my list. I talk about priorities in weight loss in my first blog and this was a priority for me. I wanted my ring back. So, when someone offered me a piece of cake, or if I was feeling weak… I would look at my list and think to myself…. Do I want a piece of cake? Or do I want to wear my wedding ring again. My choice was clear. My ring is now falling off and I need to get it resized. I knew the day I started my freedom list, my life had changed. When values are clear, decisions are easy. I will continue to add my freedoms to my blog. They are my a roadmap to my success. I wish that success to you… because you are worth it. Because I hope you LIVE every day of your life. Sending much love.

Dreams of Nutty Bars

The Dream!

It only happens every once in awhile but when it does…. oh man…. hold on! I have these crazy food dreams! They could be quite yummy, if I could get past the obsessive food addiction part and just enjoy a bite.I’ve had dreams of eating ice cream, peanut butter, cookies, and my favorite…. nutty bars. In my dreams, I start off innocently enough (as I used to) with just a little taste. I can feel it, smell it and taste it. The next thing I know I have devoured the whole carton, jar, or box. Then, all I can think about (in my dream) is how bad I feel. The guilt sets in. How could I have done that after all the great work I’ve done? Why? Was it worth it? Couldn’t I have stopped at just one bite? And if not, why? Geez….. It becomes a dreaming anxiety attack! I’m analyzing my every step up to, during and after my slip. I awake like this…. I open my eyes and start immediately thinking about how I could have done something like that. Again, repeating the same analysis as above. Then I realize!!!! Wait? Did I just really eat all of….? Yes? NO!!!!! NO, I didn’t! It was a dream… right? I look around…. check my surroundings. Ok, I’m in my room. Let’s think this through…. Oh my gosh! It was a dream! WHOA! It was a dream!!!! If only I can enjoy just that first bite and walk away. I’m working on that! If I can master this dream food thing, I may have this all figured out! And I’ll be able to have my off plan enjoyment calorie free and literally…. in my dreams!!!! Wish me luck.

Food for Fuel

Ah Ha

So, the old me wouldn’t eat during the day usually. I would definitely not eat breakfast. I would usually skip lunch and by the time I got home, I was so hungry. A quick hello to the kid and the husband as I headed directly to the kitchen cabinet was my daily ritual. Whatever was there, was mine. I would be halfway through whatever I was eating before I even bothered to take a breath, let alone really taste it. And it was never good choices. Potato Chips, candy bars, ice cream…. snack food. Oh, and even if it was a good healthy choice, like hmmmm let’s say…. celery? How about a stalk of celery and a 1/2 jar of peanut butter? Healthy just got thrown out the window! After the snacking, would then come the unhealthy dinner. Burgers, french fries…. and condiments. I loved my condiments too! So, french fries with ranch! Burgers with extra mayo! That was my idea of a good time. Thinking back, I never tasted any of it. I just ate to eat. I’m even sure that some of it was good, possibly great. But I wouldn’t know. Things have changed. Food is no longer a “filler” but it is “fuel” and I enjoy it. I eat three meals a day. I eat healthy, good for my body and soul food. When I eat, I enjoy every bite. I eat less food because I need less. I eat slow because I am appreciating my food. What I’ve noticed is when I eat healthy, my body rewards me. It is less tired, I no longer get migraines, and (for the most part) have a positive attitude (have to check with the husband on this one). I don’t crave the bad food, because I’m providing my body the nutrients it needs. When I have an on plan treat, I savor it. I actually do! I use my son’s small spoon, and I take small bites. It’s my special treat and I thoroughly enjoy it. The next time you see a kid enjoying an ice cream, watch and learn. That is what I strive for. That look. If it isn’t there to fuel my body or for absolute and total delight; it’s not for me.

Emotional Eating

If you haven’t read the book, “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle you must. It puts it all out there in black and white. Life. It makes sense and doesn’t sugar coat it. The way I love to hear things. So, when I started my life changing at MRC this book was coming up in classes, and conversation often enough that I felt I needed to read it. When I opened it up this was the first chapter…. Emotional Eating. I thought… “Nope…. not me, might just skip it”. “I don’t get mad, or sad, or discouraged, or depressed, only to find myself at the fridge…. But, what the heck. Let’s give it a quick once over….” Boy, was it an eye opener. She defines emotional eating as “using food for emotional or phychological reasons instead of for satisfying the body’s physical requirement for food”. Hmmm. I read on. Here’s what I started to understand. It didn’t have to be obvious. I wasn’t “hunting” down food. She talked about M&M’s… and Girl Scout Cookies…. how you start with just a couple, and next thing you know you’ve lost track of how many you’ve eaten or in my case, the cookies and M&M’s disappeared (and no, there were no magicians in my home). I looked down the page, and suddenly my picture appeared, with arrows and blinking signs “emotional eater” all pointing directly at me! It was frightening how she was talking not to me anymore, but about me. Then she continues; there are the celebrations. You have a birthday…. have a cake! You get a promotion…. well then, dinner and drinks! You meet up with a long lost friend…. dinner, dessert, and drinks! Hmmmm…. this is looking a little too familiar. Oh gosh, what happens when you lose 10 lbs? Dinner, Dessert, Drinks…… then back to the beginning? How does one celebrate without food? It’s been in our lives for so long. It’s how we show we love each other, right? I love you, eat a cookie. I adore you, I made you a steak. I’m proud of you, here’s some ice cream. And sometimes, I would just find myself munching away for no reason; just because. Then, the box, or bag, or bowl would be empty. It was not serving me physically. I never realized that this was emotional eating. I just thought it was “bored” eating! “Just because” eating! But! It was serving a purpose, just not the purpose that food is meant to serve. And so, that companionship had to be evaluated. Linda Spangle, at the end of that very first chapter has a wonderful poem. Food is wonderful! In fact, food in my best friend. But lately, I’m aware that my friend is hurting me. Making me uncomfortable. Sabotaging my goals. Causing me Grief and Guilt. Possibly destroying my life. Today I made the decision - it’s time to get a new friend. Linda Spangle I understood completely what she meant, and it’s not about comforting yourself with food as she says. It’s about allowing the emotions to come in and embrace them. It’s to feel, and be felt. It’s to love and celebrate and embrace it all. I have found wonderful new ways to celebrate success, show love, be creative when bored, and cry when I need to cry. I experience life as it comes. It’s exciting, and sometimes scary, but always geniune. It’s me.

Beginning [noun]: The point at which something begins: Starts

I gave my peer inspiration speech at my center last night. It was lovely. As scary as it was to open up about things that had been held so close to my heart for many years, it was freeing. I felt understood by my peers, and loved. It was a wonderful experience. Below is the speech.

Peer Inspiration,

Denise July 21, 2008

Metabolic Research Center, Greeley CO

Hello…. My name is Denise and I’ve been coming to Metabolic Research Center (MRC) for almost 9 months now. Thank you all for being here today, and celebrating my journey with me. I have my life back and I look forward to seeing you all achieve your goals. I wanted to start off my saying that most people that do these peer inspirations, are able to stand up here and speak without reading off of a page but this is all very raw for me. The thoughts and experiences I’m about to share with you today are very close to my heart. I’ve not shared them publicly before but I wanted to here, with you, today. They aren’t my exercise routine, or my food choices, or how much water I drink (although all have worth, and we can definitely discuss them). These are the issues at my core. They are the issues that I have had with food my entire life, and the reasons why I’m here with you today. I don’t have all of the answers but I hope to be able to give you some insight on what has helped me along the way.

First, I’d like to give you some background into my journey here. I was born and raised in California so I spent a lot of time outdoors. I was on the swim team, and played soccer. I spent a lot of time at the beach and we did a lot of outdoor activities…. My Mom regularly sent us to school with pita bread sandwiches and fresh fruit. We ate healthy food at home too. So, one of the questions I often ask myself if how did I get to be obese? There are a lot of pieces to that puzzle that I’ve discovered along my journey but WAY too much to get into here today…. I’ll attempt to just share a few… I had horrible self esteem, I had negative self talk, I was shy and I was often scared. When I say scared, I wasn’t necessarily scared of my parents… but I was scared of a lot of things. Scared of fitting in, scared of not fitting in, scared of talking, and when I did talk, I was scared of saying the wrong thing, I was terrified of dying…. Basically I was scared of everything. And I stuck out… I was tall. I was the tallest girl in school. I recently saw my 6th grade class picture and I could have been mistaken for the teacher. So, I took being the tallest as being the biggest which was very scary. I was the “biggest”. I just remember feeling really, really BIG. This kind of negative self talk just snowballed through adolescence, and into adulthood. And in time, I became what I put out…. I became Obese. Obese then became Morbidly Obese.

When my son was born in 2000, I decided it was time for a change. I started a program and did well. I lost quite a bit of weight on the program but I never changed my perception of food. I didn’t attempt to understand my issues around food. I would spend all week thinking about what I was going to eat for my “cheat meal” after weigh in. As important as I believed this weight loss was too me, the food took priority over it all. I gained it back within a year (plus some). I’m sure most of you can relate to this. I wanted to be smaller, and “less” obese but not as much as I wanted to eat. My priorities weren’t clear at that point. As much as I wanted them to be, I hadn’t hit my “rock bottom”. I tried other “diets” along the way, but none with any true success. Then… something amazing happened. I gave up. I threw in the towel. And in doing so, it started me on the journey into discovering the most amazing person I've ever met.... myself.

This journey wasn’t for the weak at heart. It was a dark, cold, lonely, and sad place for a very long time…. but on the other side was my life. The life I was destined to lead. The life we all can have if we decide it’s worth the effort. When I gave up, I saw someone I have never met. I have never been the type of person who shuts down and makes a conscious decision to quit. However, this time…. I was done; completely over it. I was now morbidly obese and that's just the way it was. I needed to accept my role in this world and embrace it. This was me; all of me. “Love it and leave it”! I would eat what I want, hide in my room, and publicly put a smile on my face. It would be the new me. I would not continue to compete with food; it could win…. I was too weak. I was just a victim to food. This would be my new outlook. Unfortunately, the person who couldn't accept this new outlook was me. How was I going to look in the mirror everyday, and see the real me trapped inside and not do everything humanly possible to save her. But for an entire year, that's exactly what I did. And, as I got bigger… my world got smaller. I would lie on my couch or in my bed. I cried into my pillow or on my husbands shoulder. I constantly made excuses to not meet up with friends (because honestly, who would want me around?) and I refused to be out in public anymore than necessary. I repeatedly asked my husband how he could be with someone that looked like me (by the way I am married to the kindest, most supportive man in the entire world) and apologized to my son for not being the Mom he deserved to have. The kind of Mom that rode bikes, went to the park, took walks, and played outside with him. I felt weak, depressed, anxious, lonely, and powerless. This was not the person I used to know. I didn't recognize her and she was not me.

Then, one day it happened. I decided enough was enough. I was taking my life back. This was not the life I was meant to lead. This was not my destiny. I was not living my authentic life, or being my authentic self. I had allowed those feelings to have power over me for quite some time, but no longer. I felt empowered to take my life back. Above all else, I wanted to reclaim the person inside the body. I held her close, and made sure she knew that she was loved, and cared for, and that I would never abuse her again. I also agreed to forgive myself. I was moving forward. I could not go through life, not living, anymore. And I was not living it at all. I had merely been existing. In doing so, I had been doing a disservice to myself and my family and friends by not being the person I knew I was… inside. That day my world opened up and I began my journey. There was a quote that means the world to me.... it says "I took a vow of non violence and that includes my body". First and foremost, I refuse to do any harm to myself. That same day, I started a list of things I wanted back. Things that I could not have from being the weight I was.

My first entry..... My wedding ring. It is actually the ring my Dad gave my Mom when they got married. That ring is very special. To me, it holds a lot of symbolism. My parents were young, their love was innocent, my father was going off to Vietnam, and my Mom was entering womanhood. It was the beginning of everything. My parents are no longer together, but that ring still holds the symbolism for me. So when I was married, it became my wedding band. My husband added a platinum band in the middle to complete our circle. This ring, that meant so much to me, didn’t fit. It hadn’t fit in years. This first entry began my list and it is pertinent to my journey. I truly hope that you all have an opportunity to sit down and write your own list. I can’t tell you how much I’ve used this list. It keeps me focused and helps me to keep my priorities straight. When values are clear, decisions are easy.

I had been researching a center, and had been interested in checking it out. I had been online and had found some good feedback from other clients. I had also found a supportive “external” forum that seemed to be a good fit for me. I was ready.... I really felt strongly that this was the direction for me. I just knew that this center was going to help me in my journey. I just could “feel” it. So, I called and made my appointment. I signed up that very night! There was no question; this was my place. This was the missing link on my journey. For me, it was exactly what I needed; counseling, classes, food instruction, weigh-ins, and so much more. I am a good student. I am able to have someone tell me what to eat, how much to eat and I will follow that instruction..... My issue has always been the heart issues and the head issues. I needed to understand why I do what I do and what I can do to change my perception about food. I love this center. I love these people. I feel like they are committed to my success, as much as I am. I'm more than just a number to them and when I’m here, I feel like I’m with family.

I began MRC on October 27th. Before Halloween and more importantly, before Halloween candy! For me, this was a great place to start. There can always be a reason to hold off…. But when values are clear, decisions are easy. By the way, Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday.... and it went off without a hitch. I was on plan, and kicking butt. Several holidays, and events followed.....

The most powerful and emotional issue that occurred was that my Father in Law (and I don’t even like to call him my Father in Law… he was my Dad. I am lucky enough to have had two Dads) was diagnosed and then passed away from Lung Cancer. He suffered greatly, and we miss him very much. When he died, we didn’t know how we would continue on without him. Fortunately, we had no regrets. We still hear him and his advice all the time. He was great at kicking us in our butts and getting us back on track. There was no time for pity parties. This man knew of loss, and sadness, and could have been quite bitter. But he wasn’t. He was strong. He found out he had cancer one year to the date after he had been given a kidney transplant that he waited 7 years on dialysis for. His response to us, when asked how he felt about it all? “It is what it is” As bad as things are or can be, you move forward. You don’t waste time on things you can’t change. You do what needs to be done, and you fight. It is what it is. You can’t change it. Life happens, death happens, we have to continue. And in relation to our situation here; there can always be an excuse or a reason to eat off plan…. But what’s the point? Life is constantly happening, no matter how much we try to stop it. It is what it is. And, I could have used any or all of those life events as a reason to mis-step, but I had a choice and my choice was clear. "I took a vow of non violence, and that includes my body".

I also had my list.... Let's not forget the "list". I had now named it my "freedom list". It was all of the wonderful things I would get back (my freedoms) as I lost weight. So, when someone would say "Would you like a piece of cake"? I would think of my list..... Here's how it went.... Cake? or Riding a bike with my son? That decision was so easy to make..... It was almost ridiculous to even think about. Cake or my son? There was no thought needed. Sometimes there was no temptation in front of me…. Sometimes it was just me and my thoughts….. wondering if I could continue? Could I handle it? So, then out came the list. And, then I would realize that I absolutely could do it. I was strong and powerful. There was no question.

I had other assistance as well. I have the most amazing support system. My husband and son are just beautiful. They are my foundation. I can have a bad day or feel weak, and they hold me up. They tell me how strong I am and motivate me in the most wonderful ways. I hope to return that gift to them someday.

My husband; he is amazing. After our Dad passed away, we were coming home from Ohio and I was sure I was done. While we were there, I had made it through every kind of temptation possible. I had been strong, and made it through all 9 days but now, we were driving home and I couldn’t do it anymore. Each time we stopped on the way home, I would request something… one time it was French Fries, then Mozzarella Sticks…. It went on and on. Each time, my loving husband said the most wonderful thing. He said… “When we get home, if you REALLY want it, you can have it”. When we got home, something magical happened. I didn’t want any of that “stuff” anymore. I was back in my routine and feeling fine. He is my best friend, and the person who knows me better than anyone; often times, better than I know myself. I came away from that experience realizing….If you want something badly enough, you are willing to wait for it.

My Son; the love of my life….. I can’t begin to tell you all of the things that he does that make me smile. One of the many things he does, that just makes me want to hug him until he can’t breathe is: When I get home from weigh ins, he asks how much I’ve lost and gives me high fives and sometimes adds a special success dance for me. That’s just part of it though…. My absolute favorite thing is what I like to call “Amiri measurements”. Amiri(my son) is seven and understands lb’s lost, but that to him is irrelevant (except for when I lost his weight… then I could say I lost one of him… now I say I’ve lost almost two of him). What matters to him the most are hugs….. When he used to hug me, his hands didn’t touch…. So, he started measuring my loss by how close his fingers were when he hugged me then he would say “Momma, you are losing a lot”! Now, his hands overlap and it’s very exciting. I love getting those measurements.

I've gone through every emotion there is. For me, it’s seems like at different weights, I've been at different levels of self discovery. They were really powerful steps that I needed to take. Sometimes the emotions would pop up and overwhelm me.... Other times, they just would flow in and out. In the beginning, I needed to know so desperately why? What shaped my behaviors as a child? What created my control issues with food? When did my self image change? Was I born with a negative self image or was it learned? Was it influenced by my parents? Or was it society? Could it have been influenced by my peers? Maybe it had all been in my head? At points, I would be angry that I could let myself get to this point. How could anyone have gotten so out of control? Why didn’t I stop myself at 200lbs? or at 250lbs? Why not 300lbs? or 350lbs? Why had I just kept going when I knew it was such an issue? I was so relieved and thankful to have the classes here at all of these different moments because it really helped me to understand my feelings, as well as my old behavior. I was able to really evaluate these feelings in a safe and friendly environment. And when I felt like I needed to discuss these things, they were there. They were a neutral party, and could provide a sounding board when I needed it. I can talk to them about anything.

Which leads me into my “slip”. Twice, I discovered that I was going back to my old habits of skipping meals. I really thought I had everything all figured out and it hit me out of nowhere. For about a week, I would skip breakfast or lunch.... or both. It was my old ways, without the bad food choices (at least), but it was slowing creeping back in. And it caught me off guard and put me into a tail spin. It took me some time to get over the fact I wasn’t as perfect as I thought and I spent a lot of time talking to my friends here. But what I realized is how much you learn from these things… and when you’re perfect, you don’t learn a thing. In terms of having a slip, or with any issue or mis-step that may come up, I’d like to share an analogy with you. Picture yourself driving down the freeway heading home to the ones you love. You miss the exit. What do you do? Do you continue to drive on, screaming and yelling at yourself, never to arrive at your destination…? Never again to see the ones you love? Or, do you acknowledge the error, get off on the next exit and make the correction? I choose to make the U turn. Again, when this “slip” occurred, I thought it was so awful but what I realized from it was that I don’t have my mind figured out quite yet. I am a work in progress and always will be. But isn't that the most amazing part of being a human being? We are always learning, and growing. So.... back to basics. I went back to square one and remembered that I'm learning. That's what I did and I got back on track.

As of today, I have lost 115 lbs on plan and look forward to living. My freedom list is still growing day by day and I will share it with you now. My wedding ring is now almost falling off and will need to be resized.

Through this journey, I have had the pleasure of meeting the most incredible person.

She is loving, kind, and caring.

She is determined, and intelligent....

She is amazing and I am that woman.