Friday, January 30, 2009

Blindsided

'There is no grief
which time does not
lessen or soften'
Cicero
It's just amazing to me. It REALLY doesn't ever get any easier. What I'm realizing now is that it's sometimes almost harder because as time goes by, things like this happen and you aren't expecting it so you feel blindsided. It happened to my love a couple of weeks ago, and now it's my turn. Maybe he's trying to make sure we don't forget about him. We haven't. We won't. But just in case.....
I'm with my husband at the specialist yesterday, and I'm filling out his paperwork (because hello. that's what I do... or the poor doctors, nurses, etc would never understand what was written).
I'm plugging along and then I see it.
Patients Parents:
Father
Alive?
Deceased?
If Deceased, how?
And, the tears start. Quiet, calm tears.... but tears.
He's gone and we miss him. It's not going to change. I can't bring him back. As my father in law would say, 'it is what it is'.
And it is..... what it is.
I still didn't want to write 'deceased' and 'cancer' next to his name. In no way, shape or sound. I just wanted to skip it, and make it not true.
Unfortunately, it is.... what it is.
I wiped my tears (not before letting one drop right onto the page of course), took a deep breath, looked deep into my husband's eyes (that let me visit my father in law because those eyes are just like his), and began to write.

6 comments:

blueviolet said...

Oh sweetie...you know I understand. I COMPLETELY understand. My eyes are full as we speak. {{{hugs}}}

Deb said...

oh girl, i am so sorry. i am sure the weight of everything that's been going on is just so heavy right now. i really don't understand how time heals, or like you said, IF it actually does. your father in law sounds like an amazing man and i know he is so missed.

Jennifer said...

Beautifully written. Yes, he is with you every time you look at your husband. (((((((((hugs))))))))))

I hope all went well and I have been keeping you both in prayer.

Amanda K said...

It is amazing the times that the grief sneaks up on you and out of no where you are in tears. With the stress of everything you have been going through and the worrying you have done it doesn't surprise me one bit that you cried. You shouldn't be ashamed either... it is a great man that makes us cry everytime we think of them because we miss them so.

Diane said...

Sniff. I understand. Too well. XO

wendy said...

I get so busy with work that I often go the better part of a week before I catch up with you. Glad all went well at the doctor and sorry about the form! Ugh! ((hug))

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